We haven’t had the privilege of being formally introduced. I am one of the guys who lives in 606, the apartment directly south of yours. You know, the one with the drawing of an obese dragon on the door. That one.
It is a shame that we haven’t met yet. I actually know next to nothing about you two, other than the fact that you, like me, are freshmen at this school. I think that you are both women, but I don’t know for sure; I frequently hear a male voice coming from your apartment despite the fact that this school has gender-segregated rooms. I don’t even know your names. I was personally hoping that my neighbors would be a good source of friends as I began college. Alas, it seems our different schedules have quashed any theoretical friendships.
The reason I’m writing is to inform you that a gentleman named “Big Roy” appears to have gotten our addresses mixed up. On several occasions, he has sent me packages that I believe were meant for you. This morning, I received a box containing lace lingerie. This was surprising, considering the fact that both my roommate and I identify as men. I have placed said underwear alongside this letter within your mailbox. Please inform Roy about your actual mailing address.
Sincerely, Your Friendly Neighbor in Apartment 606
Sorry to bother you again so soon, but I have a slight grievance with the two of you. As you know, the walls of this apartment complex are rather thin, allowing for sound to easily pass through. Much to my dismay, this has allowed me to hear much of what you two say. Now, being the gentleman I am, I usually wear my headphones to block out this noise. Unfortunately, I am unable to sleep with my headphones in, leading to the heart of this letter.
You seem to have begun binge-watching the show Big Time Rush. Now, I enjoy Nickelodeon sitcoms about hockey players becoming the members of a boy band as much as most people and understand the need to watch every episode. What I don’t understand is the need to watch it at two o’clock in the morning on a Tuesday night, nor the need to sing along with the theme song. All this to say that I’d much prefer if you kept it down.
Sincerely, Your Exhausted Neighbor in Apartment 606
I’d once again remind you that the walls in this apartment complex are very thin. As in, thin enough that I can hear your alarm clock. Of course, this isn’t your fault. I’m sure that my alarms going off bother you as well. Of course, the difference is the fact that I turn my alarm clock off when I get up in the morning.
Every morning, you spend five minutes lying in bed before hitting the snooze button. Then you leave your apartment, without turning the alarm off. Because the snooze button only mutes the alarm for ten minutes, your alarm goes off as soon as you leave your apartment. Worse, it keeps going off until you come home and finally remember to silence it.
Because I don’t have access to your apartment, I am unable to take any action to silence this disturbance. Please remember to shut your alarm off in the morning.
Sincerely, Your Annoyed Neighbor in Apartment 606
It’s me again. I understand the fact that college is expensive and the need to watch your spending. Still, getting into a loud argument about who finished off the milk is ridiculous. It’s milk! It costs like two dollars!
Included in this letter is a ten-dollar bill you can use to buy more milk.
Sincerely, Your Increasingly Frustrated Neighbor in Apartment 606
I don’t know how to say this delicately so I’ll just be blunt. Stop screwing your boyfriend so loud.
Look, it’s nice that you and Roy got back together. It’s nice that you two are so close. But seriously! The walls are thin!
There are plenty of other places you two could screw that would be preferable: his apartment, a hotel, a public bathroom, a busy intersection, etc.
And, if you can’t stop banging, can you at least stop singing In the Arms of the Angel after you finish? It’s really weird.
Sincerely, Your Weirded Out Neighbor in Apartment 606
I’d like to start this letter by saying that I have nothing against marijuana or its users. The criminalization of weed was purposely created to imprison certain groups of people for consuming a harmless substance. Hell, you two are art students. It’d be weirder if you didn’t occasionally partake in the use of illicit substances.
Still, would it kill you to smoke somewhere else? While it is true weed is a plant, it does not smell like flowers. Not to imply that the smell is the only problem, of course. I have air fresheners. The real issue is that your drug habit keeps setting off the fire alarms. Every time you smoke a blunt, everyone in the building has to go outside. I’m sure you recall the time when you made us go outside in the middle of the coldest blizzard in thirty years.
If you must smoke weed, could you consider doing it during the day, when I am in class? Or, at the very least, could you stop smoking in the middle of the night? And no, before you say anything, it being 4:20 AM is not a good reason to get high.
Sincerely, Your Furious Neighbor in Apartment 606
It’s amazing how fast time flies. It seems like only yesterday I was a new college freshman, scared to be living in the big city for the first time. Now, as the spring semester draws to a close, I’ve begun to look back on my younger self and appreciate how much I’ve learned. For instance, I’ve learned that the idea of being friends with your neighbors is bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit.
As you probably know, the school has decided, completely out of the blue, to sell this building. Many of the residents living here will be forced to move to the old building two blocks west of here, the one with the leaky faucets and the slow elevators.
Don’t fret, there is another option. The school has decided to buy a new apartment building, one directly across the street from this one. This new building is far nicer than this one. I would recommend the two of you live there next semester. Personally, my roommate and I have decided to live in the crummy old building, a choice that I pray you don’t emulate.
Of course, you don’t have to choose the new building. You could live off-campus, or maybe move in with Roy, or maybe drop out and open an artisanal bakery, or start sleeping in the center of a busy highway, or really anything else. The point being, there are endless appropriate choices that result in you living far, far away from me that I recommend you consider.
Sincerely, The Former Resident of Apartment 606